So as a follow up to this post, which is a follow up to this post, I have decided on a third person for my list to replace the one I had to remove. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t think of her before, as she’s not exactly unfamiliar to me. And she’s hot. Very hot. And I’ve made mention of her on the site before! I have no explanation for this behavior other than being dropped on my head repeatedly as a child. So to whom do I refer? Eliza Dushku! Yes, like the other two women on my list, I would give up hot sauce and/or kill for her.

I have received a comment or two from some old friends who check the site once in a while and it saddens me to say that they too have a tough time wrapping their heads around that, but I think I finally have a way to easily explain this. You know how some couples have a short list of people where they tell their significant other that should one of the people on the list proposition them, they’d totally accept? Its like that. If I’m hanging out with you and one of these people pops out of the bushes and asks me to do something for them, whatever that might be, I would gladly do it. If that action resulted in your death, well… everyone’s gotta go some time, right? 😉

And hey, cheer up! It’s not all thunderstorms and farts! They might ask me to give up hot sauce or do something innocuous! You might even get to point and laugh at me! Just be aware that your satisfaction is not guaranteed.

I surely hope mine is. 😀

I have recently discussed my post of women I’d give up hot sauce and/or murder for with my bestest friend and have been made aware of a factor I did not consider earlier: disease. Horrible, horrible, wasting disease. Gross disease. To paraphrase: “You don’t know where that’s been” disease. As such I must revise my earlier list of women in the aforementioned post.

Sorry Angelina. We’ll always have… um… that post I guess.

My sincerest apologies to my bestest friend for my hasty judgments.

My Bestest Friend™ and I recently had a conversation during which I informed her that I would not hesitate to kill her and her boyfriend (who is a fun guy; I have nothing against him) should Milla Jovovich suddenly appear and ask me to. You wanna know how I know Sharon’s my best friend? Her response was “Dude, I’d be pretty disgusted with you if she asked you to kill me and you didn’t.” That’s a true friend, folks.

But do you know, when trying to explain this to others, I have been less than successful. Most people simply do not understand and I don’t know how to explain it to them. Their loss I suppose. I was just trying to explain to them the second most likely cause that I would go on a murderous rampage (the first most likely cause is being fed up with their dumbity).

After careful consideration, I have recently expanded my list of hot chicks I would kill for to three people. Aside from the aforementioned person, I would also add Jemma Griffiths (aka the singer Jem) and the ubiquitous Angelina Jolie.

On a less homicidal note, we had another discussion relating to giving up various favorite foods for significant others. Now, if you know me at all, you know that for me Hot Sauce > *. It’s just how things are. Almost everything is better with hot sauce (notable exceptions being drinks and deserts). If I was dating someone and they wanted me to give up hot sauce, I gotta tell ya, I’d kick em to the curb… unless they’re one of the three I mention above. For them, I would give up hot sauce. Everyone else, talk to the hand.

I just felt you all should know this just in case one day you decide to date me and want me to give up hot sauce. Know that this will not happen. And if I show up at your door unexpectedly with a big grin and an even bigger pointy stick, don’t be scared or sad. Know that your sacrifice will ensure good times for me. Because in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about? Good times… for me.

This post brought to you by Enchiritos drowning in habanero hot sauce with a touch of Dave’s Total Insanity Sauce and lots and lots of boredom. Oh, and the letter S.

Recently, while searching through the vast archives of The NORN Collective’s early years, I discovered a wondrous artifact that has waited patiently to be found and begin again it’s reign of glory.

Early in the years of Our Terrible Overlord of Ground Transportation Nornan III (before we knew the full breadth of his depravity), an oddity was discovered about the malevolent mechanical monstrosity. In the front passenger seat, there was a bar that seemed to serve no purpose. The locals, for lack of an explanation of this strange structure, decided to call it a towel rack. A long standing member The NORN Collective decided that since it was a towel rack, it seemed silly for it not to have a towel hanging from it, especially when one considers the writings of the great wise man Douglas Adams, in which he recommends having a towel with you at all times (for obvious reasons).

The towel was greeted with great jubilation by all who saw it. For many years, it served as a shining beacon, the last vestige of hope against the growing tide of vehicular villainy. But alas, like so many things that would buoy an oppressed peoples, it was tragically removed from the vehicular venue it proudly hung in for lo these many years. The ultimate culprit? The sun’s rays caused a bleaching of color, resulting in a faded towel, and what some perceived as faded hope.

It was stored, lost, and eventually stories of the light it brought turned to myth and legend. Many doubted whether such a thing could even exit, but those few, those faithful, those old enough to remember Nornan III’s tyranny and the light that the Towel of Destiny offered never wavered in their steadfast belief that the towel would eventually return to the people.

At long last, the towel is found. During this writing, it has been undergoing a painstaking cleaning and restoration process (read: the washing machine). And tomorrow… tomorrow it shall return not to the oppressive reign of Nornan III, who has long since been vanquished, but instead it will take it’s rightful place within Isabelle, our new beautiful and benevolent ground transportation coordinator. While she possesses no towel rack from which the Towel of Destiny can hang, a place will surely be made for it.

The Towel of Destiny once brought hope to a hopeless people, and was stricken down for its efforts. One can imagine that, like the phoenix born again from its ashes, the Towel of Destiny will inspire us to greater heights than before and lead us all into a new golden age.

Photos of the Towel of Destiny

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The NORN Collective (Unimatrix 001, Beta Node)
Command Staff Adjutant / Chief Archivist