Much like the Cylons, I have a plan. It may not end in horrible, horrible genocide, but I will find a habitable place to live. Maybe even a place called Earth. Much thanks goes to my good and dear bestest friend Sharon, who is truly more my family than either of my idiot gene donors. Some say you can’t choose your family. I say that I just did.

“I’m not saying this to be mean, but you’re a complete and total disappointment. I am happy you got your B.S. though! I’m proud of you! But you sit around all day without a job and have destroyed all my hopes.”

This, despite the fact that I have had a steady job for the last 5.5 years at the same place and was just about ready to be moved out in October. Maybe I should just kill myself instead? Seems like it would be a lot easier. Who says offing yourself isn’t an option? Bah.

The sooner people learn to accept that fact, the better my life will be. If you called me and left messages all day (all day in this case being defined as two messages 10 minutes apart) and I didn’t pick up or call you back, guess what that means. Here’s a hint. IT MEANS YOUR CALLS DIDN’T GO THROUGH. It means I was never alerted to the fact that you called me. It means that the little sound it plays when I have a missed call or a voice mail message didn’t play. In short, it means I have no idea you’re trying to contact me. So clearly it must be my fault that you got stuck somewhere. It is definitely completely my fault that my phone didn’t ring. Because I have control over whether I get reception in any given location. You have every right to be mad at me because hey, that’s what I’m here for.

Actually, I’m pretty sure this chick was born stupid. I’m fairly certain that after being born stupid, she was dropped several times on her head as a small child and regularly consumed a diet of paint chips and drank LIQUID STUPID. What chick am I talking about? Why, none other than the mobile road block I work with. She is 350 pounds if she’s one. When she comes barreling down the hall leading to our department for her hourly feeding, she TAKES UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SPACE. That is no exaggeration. Normally, two people can pass comfortably by one another in that space. Not so with this mastodonian moron. Why a moron you ask? I shall tell you!

Here is a transcript of a conversation between her and an animate skeleton we have working in our department:

Manbeast (MB): So, who’s having cabbage and corned beef hash tonight?
Skelly the Skeleton (SS): Oh definitely, I do it every year!
MB: Why do people have that anyway? Is corned beef an Irish culture thing?
SS: Yup! Just like the cabbage. It’s traditional.
MB: What’s corned beef made out of? It comes from a pig, right?

Editor’s Note: WHAT THE FUCK?! Corned BEEF comes from a fucking PIG?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!?

SS: Er… no, its corned beef. Beef. It comes from cows.
MB: laughs. Oh yeah, beef. I thought it came from pigs, cause you know, the color. Beef turns brown when you cook it and corned beef is pink, and pig stays pink when you cook it so I thought that it came from pigs.

WHY IN NORNAN’S NAME MUST I BE SUBJECT TO THIS!? It should be noted that I almost choked. I was in the corner laughing so hard that I almost died. You know that kind of laugh where you laugh so hard you turn red and get dizzy and your stomach hurts and you’re actually laughing so fucking hard no sound even comes out? That’s the kind of laugh I was laughing. Because really, what the fuck. Pigs. Beef. WHAT THE FUCK? WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT. WTF. I could go on, but… WHAT THE FUCK!? PIGS?! BEEF?! HOW DO YOU GET TO BE THAT FUCKING MASSIVE WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR MEATS?! I mean seriously, this girl has a fucking gravitational pull. Small objects orbit her. Toss a paper clip or post-it in her direction and shit will fall into an orbit around her leviathan bulk. I’m pretty sure she warps space-time around her and light bends in close enough proximity to her. And she doesn’t know what fucking animal fucking corned fucking beef comes from.

There is no end to the stupidity I must face on a daily basis. NO END.

Holy shit. Sometimes, the harshest words of all aren’t so much words, but a single look. A look so eloquent, so filled with almost disguised horror, that it crushes every fiber of your being. Like, omgwtfpwned doesn’t even begin to describe it. I think perhaps I was almost shattered today. Perhaps I was. Only time will tell for sure.

I used to think I had a pretty good handle on being soul crushingly mean, but I think today I was schooled by a true master. I am but a grasshopper cowering from her awesome wrath.

And it has just occurred to me that I may have told her about this site recently. Well. Isn’t that precious?

My sister just asked me what country the Indian subcontinent was. WHAT THE FUCK!?