Actually, I’m pretty sure this chick was born stupid. I’m fairly certain that after being born stupid, she was dropped several times on her head as a small child and regularly consumed a diet of paint chips and drank LIQUID STUPID. What chick am I talking about? Why, none other than the mobile road block I work with. She is 350 pounds if she’s one. When she comes barreling down the hall leading to our department for her hourly feeding, she TAKES UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SPACE. That is no exaggeration. Normally, two people can pass comfortably by one another in that space. Not so with this mastodonian moron. Why a moron you ask? I shall tell you!
Here is a transcript of a conversation between her and an animate skeleton we have working in our department:
Manbeast (MB): So, who’s having cabbage and corned beef hash tonight?
Skelly the Skeleton (SS): Oh definitely, I do it every year!
MB: Why do people have that anyway? Is corned beef an Irish culture thing?
SS: Yup! Just like the cabbage. It’s traditional.
MB: What’s corned beef made out of? It comes from a pig, right?
Editor’s Note: WHAT THE FUCK?! Corned BEEF comes from a fucking PIG?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!?
SS: Er… no, its corned beef. Beef. It comes from cows.
MB: laughs. Oh yeah, beef. I thought it came from pigs, cause you know, the color. Beef turns brown when you cook it and corned beef is pink, and pig stays pink when you cook it so I thought that it came from pigs.
WHY IN NORNAN’S NAME MUST I BE SUBJECT TO THIS!? It should be noted that I almost choked. I was in the corner laughing so hard that I almost died. You know that kind of laugh where you laugh so hard you turn red and get dizzy and your stomach hurts and you’re actually laughing so fucking hard no sound even comes out? That’s the kind of laugh I was laughing. Because really, what the fuck. Pigs. Beef. WHAT THE FUCK? WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT. WTF. I could go on, but… WHAT THE FUCK!? PIGS?! BEEF?! HOW DO YOU GET TO BE THAT FUCKING MASSIVE WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR MEATS?! I mean seriously, this girl has a fucking gravitational pull. Small objects orbit her. Toss a paper clip or post-it in her direction and shit will fall into an orbit around her leviathan bulk. I’m pretty sure she warps space-time around her and light bends in close enough proximity to her. And she doesn’t know what fucking animal fucking corned fucking beef comes from.
There is no end to the stupidity I must face on a daily basis. NO END.